Oh ya... *that's* why I'm glad I'm getting divorced...
My ex and I have been getting along so well separated that I almost forgot why I was happier now. Not that I was thinking I wanted him back, or anything. But I had forgotten how bad I feel about myself when he's around me.
Today he got the results of the sperm analysis. He's fertile. When he told me tonight, I felt a profound sadness wash over me.
We had fourteen years of trauma, emotional pain and jealousy that resulted in the destruction of our relationship. All I ever wanted with him was his babies. After everything we went through, now he's fertile.
It feels like everything we went through was for nothing. Now, I did get a really amazing, powerful, beautiful daughter in the end... but that doesn't erase the wounds. The lengths it took us to finally get her pretty much did in my marriage. Infertility takes a toll and even the gift of finally getting to bring home a healthy baby doesn't automatically heal it.
It was like having to grieve the infertility all over again. And it made me wonder if things wouldn't have turned out differently. If we never had the jealousy that my ex was consumed with, the jealousy that led him to literally yell at me for three years, jealousy that pushed me away to the point where I didn't want to open my heart to him, jealousy that even killed my sexual attraction to him? If we hadn't had the infertility, would I have had the thoughts that I was going to have to look somewhere else to get a baby? That as long as I was married to him, I'd never have a child?
All the pain we've experienced over the last five years, with little exception, has been a result of the infertility. And now, he's fertile. It was all for nothing.
I asked him, tonight, if he didn't feel just a little sad about all that we've lost due to infertility, especially now that he's fertile. I asked, "Doesn't it make you wonder if we'd still be together?"
"No," he said. "It was time for us to part..."
Huh? He wasn't listening to me.
I said again, "No, I mean, don't you feel sad that we went through all that and it was for nothing?"
He didn't get it. He really doesn't get it. And he's not listening to me again.
That's always been my biggest gripe. Well, maybe my second biggest gripe... my first would have to be sleep deprivation. When he was in the Navy and worked nights, I would turn off the ringer on the phone and when he went to bed, I'd tiptoe around, answer the phone, keep the tv volume down--anything I could to protect his sleep. He never did the same for me. In fact, when I was working nights five years ago and he was stricken with insane jealousy because I was having to try to get pregnant with someone else--something I did with his full knowledge and consent--he would come to our bedroom and wake me up in the middle of my "night" and scream at me for HOURS. Even when I started working days again, but had to be at work at 5:30am, he'd start a fight with me, literally, the moment my foot hit the step to go upstairs to bed. Finally, after three years of it, I told him if he did that ONE more time, I'd pack my shit and move out. Even the Geneva Convention prohibits sleep deprivation because its such torture. I still swear that it was a passive-aggressive way of torturing me... paying me back for all my faults.
But, then there was always that "listening" thing.
When I was pregnant, I used to dream that I was standing in the middle of a group of people, but especially Bill, and I'd be SCREAMING. Not just yelling, but shrieking at the top of my lungs. The kind that makes you breathless and your throat and chest ache. I'd be screaming as loud as I could and no one would hear me. It never felt like they *couldn't* hear me... but like they just didn't care. I'd wake up with my heart pounding, sometimes in tears, my jaw clenched tightly just HATING the fact that he wouldn't listen. Like I was invisible. Worthless. No one would listen.
So tonight, when I asked if he wasn't ever sad to think that everything we've been through was for nothing... that maybe our marriage would have been completely different... he just shrugged and flippantly said he's happy with where things are.
I sat and stared at him, not sure if he was even hearing me right, or if that's how he really feels. I said, "Well, I guess you need to go call her..." hoping he'd catch the not-so-subtle hint, but nope... he started reading to and playing with Edie. I've been annoyed that he spends so little time with her so I couldn't very well kick him out when he's finally spending time with her so I just got up and went into the bedroom and figured I'd just process my emotions and then deal with him tomorrow. I waited and waited and eventually, he followed me into my room seeking absolution.
He never lets me get any resolution on anything but Goddess forbid he feels guilty about something... then he won't fucking leave to save his life, unless I absolve him of his sins.
So he came into my room and asked if I was mad. No, dumbass... just hurt. But what do you care? You're so blissfully happy with TOW (the other woman) that you don't even have a clue what's going on around you! You don't care who you step on, as long as you're happy with her.
Now, I really don't want him back. I have been moving forward and although it was sad, I've dealt with the separation pretty well, but that doesn't mean I like it when he treats me like I'm disposable. No big deal. Like, all the pain I suffered with the infertility and him falling in love with someone he didn't even like a year ago and then moving out wasn't that important to him.
He's living in his own little world and doesn't care who he slops hurt upon as long as he's getting his daily dose of endorphins.
I called him later and talked money with him... we're still getting that all separated out... and he sounded like he was free to chat so I told him that I was fine, but it really hurt me the way he dealt with all that. We talked for a few minutes and just as I was rounding the corner to feeling really resolved over it, he abruptly said he had to go. I don't know if TOW was there or calling or he just realized I was about to feel comfortable and couldn't allow that, but he ended the conversation just moments before I was feeling ok again.
Fuck! I hate it when he does that. Its like getting close to having an orgasm and you feel that first pulse of contraction and then someone knocks on the door and you lose it. You're so close you can almost feel that release, but then you're left hanging, miserable and frustrated.
He always used to do that to me.
I had forgotten because it had been so long since we've fought. I am so happy that I'm now free to find someone who is capable of working through things in an evolved and healthy way. Someone who will actually listen. Maybe then, I'll never have another dream that I'm standing in the middle of a crowd screaming...
Today he got the results of the sperm analysis. He's fertile. When he told me tonight, I felt a profound sadness wash over me.
We had fourteen years of trauma, emotional pain and jealousy that resulted in the destruction of our relationship. All I ever wanted with him was his babies. After everything we went through, now he's fertile.
It feels like everything we went through was for nothing. Now, I did get a really amazing, powerful, beautiful daughter in the end... but that doesn't erase the wounds. The lengths it took us to finally get her pretty much did in my marriage. Infertility takes a toll and even the gift of finally getting to bring home a healthy baby doesn't automatically heal it.
It was like having to grieve the infertility all over again. And it made me wonder if things wouldn't have turned out differently. If we never had the jealousy that my ex was consumed with, the jealousy that led him to literally yell at me for three years, jealousy that pushed me away to the point where I didn't want to open my heart to him, jealousy that even killed my sexual attraction to him? If we hadn't had the infertility, would I have had the thoughts that I was going to have to look somewhere else to get a baby? That as long as I was married to him, I'd never have a child?
All the pain we've experienced over the last five years, with little exception, has been a result of the infertility. And now, he's fertile. It was all for nothing.
I asked him, tonight, if he didn't feel just a little sad about all that we've lost due to infertility, especially now that he's fertile. I asked, "Doesn't it make you wonder if we'd still be together?"
"No," he said. "It was time for us to part..."
Huh? He wasn't listening to me.
I said again, "No, I mean, don't you feel sad that we went through all that and it was for nothing?"
He didn't get it. He really doesn't get it. And he's not listening to me again.
That's always been my biggest gripe. Well, maybe my second biggest gripe... my first would have to be sleep deprivation. When he was in the Navy and worked nights, I would turn off the ringer on the phone and when he went to bed, I'd tiptoe around, answer the phone, keep the tv volume down--anything I could to protect his sleep. He never did the same for me. In fact, when I was working nights five years ago and he was stricken with insane jealousy because I was having to try to get pregnant with someone else--something I did with his full knowledge and consent--he would come to our bedroom and wake me up in the middle of my "night" and scream at me for HOURS. Even when I started working days again, but had to be at work at 5:30am, he'd start a fight with me, literally, the moment my foot hit the step to go upstairs to bed. Finally, after three years of it, I told him if he did that ONE more time, I'd pack my shit and move out. Even the Geneva Convention prohibits sleep deprivation because its such torture. I still swear that it was a passive-aggressive way of torturing me... paying me back for all my faults.
But, then there was always that "listening" thing.
When I was pregnant, I used to dream that I was standing in the middle of a group of people, but especially Bill, and I'd be SCREAMING. Not just yelling, but shrieking at the top of my lungs. The kind that makes you breathless and your throat and chest ache. I'd be screaming as loud as I could and no one would hear me. It never felt like they *couldn't* hear me... but like they just didn't care. I'd wake up with my heart pounding, sometimes in tears, my jaw clenched tightly just HATING the fact that he wouldn't listen. Like I was invisible. Worthless. No one would listen.
So tonight, when I asked if he wasn't ever sad to think that everything we've been through was for nothing... that maybe our marriage would have been completely different... he just shrugged and flippantly said he's happy with where things are.
I sat and stared at him, not sure if he was even hearing me right, or if that's how he really feels. I said, "Well, I guess you need to go call her..." hoping he'd catch the not-so-subtle hint, but nope... he started reading to and playing with Edie. I've been annoyed that he spends so little time with her so I couldn't very well kick him out when he's finally spending time with her so I just got up and went into the bedroom and figured I'd just process my emotions and then deal with him tomorrow. I waited and waited and eventually, he followed me into my room seeking absolution.
He never lets me get any resolution on anything but Goddess forbid he feels guilty about something... then he won't fucking leave to save his life, unless I absolve him of his sins.
So he came into my room and asked if I was mad. No, dumbass... just hurt. But what do you care? You're so blissfully happy with TOW (the other woman) that you don't even have a clue what's going on around you! You don't care who you step on, as long as you're happy with her.
Now, I really don't want him back. I have been moving forward and although it was sad, I've dealt with the separation pretty well, but that doesn't mean I like it when he treats me like I'm disposable. No big deal. Like, all the pain I suffered with the infertility and him falling in love with someone he didn't even like a year ago and then moving out wasn't that important to him.
He's living in his own little world and doesn't care who he slops hurt upon as long as he's getting his daily dose of endorphins.
I called him later and talked money with him... we're still getting that all separated out... and he sounded like he was free to chat so I told him that I was fine, but it really hurt me the way he dealt with all that. We talked for a few minutes and just as I was rounding the corner to feeling really resolved over it, he abruptly said he had to go. I don't know if TOW was there or calling or he just realized I was about to feel comfortable and couldn't allow that, but he ended the conversation just moments before I was feeling ok again.
Fuck! I hate it when he does that. Its like getting close to having an orgasm and you feel that first pulse of contraction and then someone knocks on the door and you lose it. You're so close you can almost feel that release, but then you're left hanging, miserable and frustrated.
He always used to do that to me.
I had forgotten because it had been so long since we've fought. I am so happy that I'm now free to find someone who is capable of working through things in an evolved and healthy way. Someone who will actually listen. Maybe then, I'll never have another dream that I'm standing in the middle of a crowd screaming...
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home