Births, Rec centers, Brooke Sheilds & postpartum depression
Wow... I *finally* got that girl to do that "thing that will not be named."
What a relief. :) She's been sick over the last few days so she's been extra clingy and whiney. I didn't realize how much she'd improved until it regressed. I love her so much, but its really nice to have her out of my aura!
We've had a busy week and a half.
Edie got some stomach bug last week and spent several days puking on me. I make a LOT OF MILK, man! I had no idea how much until I started seeing it pour out of my kid. That is, however, one of the blessings of nursing. Even at 14 months, when she gets sick, she can usually still hold down breastmilk. I didn't have to worry about her getting dehydrated.
A friend of mine had a baby last Friday and I had the honor of attending her birth. I left Edie home with Daddy & Nana as it was evening before the mom left for the hospital and with Edie not quite over being sick, I didn't want to drag her to the hospital. I figured, either the birth would go quickly or I'd come home to nurse and then go back.
It worked pretty well, although after about four hours my breasts started hurting. The only really crappy thing that happened was that Bill let her cry herself to sleep rather than calling my mom back to rock her to sleep. Since then, Edie's been doing her "incredible hulk" impression -- something she does almost like a nervous tick when she's stressed. Its starting to become less frequent again, but it pisses me off that he made her go through that unnecessarily. He wanted to "work it out between the two of them." I suppose I understand his thought process, but I don't agree with the outcome.
The mom had a great birth, amazing baby, and I got home after about six hours apart. I woke up Edie immediately to nurse, but overall it went pretty well.
On Monday I went to the brand new, beautiful rec center that just opened April 1st. I was so excited because its just across the road, less than 2 miles away, and has a lovely pool. They offer a "parent-tot" class for kids 6 months to 3 years old and a parent. I figured that its a great way to myself in the water (which is agreat for arthritis) and a chance for Edie to get over her fear of water. (Have I mentioned before that bathing Edie is like dipping her in acid?) Its twice a week for 30 minutes and only costs $30 for four weeks *if* you are in their district.
So, I went in, money in hand, ready to join up, and was told I'm not in-district. The "out of district" fee is $55 for the same class. I couldn't believe it. I was so upset. Here I am, FINALLY trying to do something realy healthy for my self & my daughter, and I'm not in the district of the rec center that's less than 2 miles away.
So I went on a mission of trying to find what district I *am* in... and the answer became, NONE. I spent two days calling other districts and just couldn't believe that I wasn't in the one I had wanted originally. Finally, I pulled up all my "witchly" abilities and call them back... and what do you know? They had just looked up my apartment complex and it *is* in district. ::smiling happily:: "Really? Well, that's just great! Thanks." We'll be starting that class on the 9th.
~~~~~~~
I made a point of watching Oprah yesterday. Brooke Sheilds was on talking about post-partum depression. Brooke, please hear this, " YOU ARE NOT ALONE!"
Everything she said was so ON-TARGET. I didn't have the experience of not bonding with Edie, but I did have the dissociation, intrusive thoughts, visions of horrible things happening to Edie and suicidal ideation.
My sister & I were talking on the phone during the commercial and I was telling her how I could *so* identify with everything Brooke was saying. My sister said, "So what does that tell you?" Gee, I don't know... maybe that I've been trying to tell you all for a YEAR that I'm not doing well? That less than 6 months ago I was thinking how simple it would be to just go get a gun and put a bullet in my head? How, only knowing that it would destroy my mother, sister, husband and most importantly, my daughter if I killed myself, kept me from just stepping on the gas and driving my car into on-coming traffic?
I'm coming out of it now, but I don't think I need a shrink to diagnose ppd. I'm pretty sure I have it. My sister asked why I didn't go get on meds. There are only two drugs that are used in nursing moms and I've tried them both in the past. They're too strong. They hammer me and I feel just as uncomfortable on them, as off.
The thing about it that so wierd is that its not like I was sitting in the corner curled up in the fetal position crying and lamenting about my life. Those awful thoughts ust seemed like a sensible thing to consider. Unemotional. Detatched. Completely logical. Like an alternate universe. Its hard to describe.
I never crossed the line of thinking of doing anything to harm Edie, but I can easily see how those mothers who did murder their children were thinking. Its a completely dissociated experience. Its scary now to look back, however, to see how easily one could just snap and stay in that place and take it further.
I'm glad to have moved past that place now.
What a relief. :) She's been sick over the last few days so she's been extra clingy and whiney. I didn't realize how much she'd improved until it regressed. I love her so much, but its really nice to have her out of my aura!
We've had a busy week and a half.
Edie got some stomach bug last week and spent several days puking on me. I make a LOT OF MILK, man! I had no idea how much until I started seeing it pour out of my kid. That is, however, one of the blessings of nursing. Even at 14 months, when she gets sick, she can usually still hold down breastmilk. I didn't have to worry about her getting dehydrated.
A friend of mine had a baby last Friday and I had the honor of attending her birth. I left Edie home with Daddy & Nana as it was evening before the mom left for the hospital and with Edie not quite over being sick, I didn't want to drag her to the hospital. I figured, either the birth would go quickly or I'd come home to nurse and then go back.
It worked pretty well, although after about four hours my breasts started hurting. The only really crappy thing that happened was that Bill let her cry herself to sleep rather than calling my mom back to rock her to sleep. Since then, Edie's been doing her "incredible hulk" impression -- something she does almost like a nervous tick when she's stressed. Its starting to become less frequent again, but it pisses me off that he made her go through that unnecessarily. He wanted to "work it out between the two of them." I suppose I understand his thought process, but I don't agree with the outcome.
The mom had a great birth, amazing baby, and I got home after about six hours apart. I woke up Edie immediately to nurse, but overall it went pretty well.
On Monday I went to the brand new, beautiful rec center that just opened April 1st. I was so excited because its just across the road, less than 2 miles away, and has a lovely pool. They offer a "parent-tot" class for kids 6 months to 3 years old and a parent. I figured that its a great way to myself in the water (which is agreat for arthritis) and a chance for Edie to get over her fear of water. (Have I mentioned before that bathing Edie is like dipping her in acid?) Its twice a week for 30 minutes and only costs $30 for four weeks *if* you are in their district.
So, I went in, money in hand, ready to join up, and was told I'm not in-district. The "out of district" fee is $55 for the same class. I couldn't believe it. I was so upset. Here I am, FINALLY trying to do something realy healthy for my self & my daughter, and I'm not in the district of the rec center that's less than 2 miles away.
So I went on a mission of trying to find what district I *am* in... and the answer became, NONE. I spent two days calling other districts and just couldn't believe that I wasn't in the one I had wanted originally. Finally, I pulled up all my "witchly" abilities and call them back... and what do you know? They had just looked up my apartment complex and it *is* in district. ::smiling happily:: "Really? Well, that's just great! Thanks." We'll be starting that class on the 9th.
~~~~~~~
I made a point of watching Oprah yesterday. Brooke Sheilds was on talking about post-partum depression. Brooke, please hear this, " YOU ARE NOT ALONE!"
Everything she said was so ON-TARGET. I didn't have the experience of not bonding with Edie, but I did have the dissociation, intrusive thoughts, visions of horrible things happening to Edie and suicidal ideation.
My sister & I were talking on the phone during the commercial and I was telling her how I could *so* identify with everything Brooke was saying. My sister said, "So what does that tell you?" Gee, I don't know... maybe that I've been trying to tell you all for a YEAR that I'm not doing well? That less than 6 months ago I was thinking how simple it would be to just go get a gun and put a bullet in my head? How, only knowing that it would destroy my mother, sister, husband and most importantly, my daughter if I killed myself, kept me from just stepping on the gas and driving my car into on-coming traffic?
I'm coming out of it now, but I don't think I need a shrink to diagnose ppd. I'm pretty sure I have it. My sister asked why I didn't go get on meds. There are only two drugs that are used in nursing moms and I've tried them both in the past. They're too strong. They hammer me and I feel just as uncomfortable on them, as off.
The thing about it that so wierd is that its not like I was sitting in the corner curled up in the fetal position crying and lamenting about my life. Those awful thoughts ust seemed like a sensible thing to consider. Unemotional. Detatched. Completely logical. Like an alternate universe. Its hard to describe.
I never crossed the line of thinking of doing anything to harm Edie, but I can easily see how those mothers who did murder their children were thinking. Its a completely dissociated experience. Its scary now to look back, however, to see how easily one could just snap and stay in that place and take it further.
I'm glad to have moved past that place now.
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