Email lists, tv births and random thoughts...
I left my email list. Makes me kinda sad. They begin to feel like family after a while.
I had a little spat with the list-owner as I was leaving but that was something that would have been resolved in a day or two.
I've been in so much pain lately that I finally realized that I cannot get pregnant right now. I can barely walk some days. My hands feel like paws. There are times (especially in the early morning) when I almost can't move my fingers. I have no strength in them. I can't lift the baby to reposition her for feeding. I have almost fallen down when I get out of bed to pee the first time after sleeping because my hips, knees and ankles are so inflamed and creaky that they won't support me until I give them a few minutes of gentle weight bearing to wake them up. Then I creak and limp like an 80 year old. I've had to take vicodin a couple of times to simply function.
I can't go up on any of my meds. Prednisone has nasty side effects (wt gain, increased blood pressure and decreased milk supply) and I'm already maxed out on the doses of other meds. I can't go on like this. If I could conceive right now (which is questionable considering my immune system has to calm down enough to let an embryo implant) I couldn't cope with added wt and lose joints. I didn't get the "pregnancy induced remission" last time, so I can't count on that happening with a new pregnancy.
So I have wait. I have to utilize the new meds that are available. Enbrel is one of the injectable meds to treat RA that is safe for breastfeeding. Apparently the molecules of medicine are too big to fit through the breast tissue into the milk so nursing moms can take it without the baby getting it. I'm gonna talk to my Dr about this and take at least six months off from trying to conceive and work on getting my body healthier. I know of a couple women with RA who are on Enbrel and they've said its like a miracle.
One really good part of this is that I will be able to focus on Edie. She deserves this time anyway. I was feeling like I needed to hurry up and get pregnant because I'm 35, it took 12 years of trying to get Edie, and I need to be done childbearing so I don't have to get on good drugs and then get off them to have another baby.
But I can't live in this body the way it is.
Six more months wouldn't be too long to wait to try to get pregnant. If I'm pregnant again by this time next year, I'd be really happy. And Edie will be older. She'll have had more of me before she had to share me. I can do this.
I still grieve a little bit, though. I still have a little fear that I won't be able to get pregnant again. I don't want to wait too long. But I have to do this first.
The email list was focused on pregnancy and birth. I need to shift my focus away from that right now, so I left. It feels wierd, though. Makes me wonder if anyone noticed. I haven't gotten any messages from anyone on the list saying goodbye... seeya... screw you... Makes me remember that no matter how invested we are in a group, its still not real life. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
The only thing I've seen was on another blog (Navelgazing Midwife) where a list-mate wrote that she hates it when people post that they are leaving a group. I'm self-absorbed enough to think it was about me. If so, I wonder what she would want to see. Leave without saying goodbye? But, there again, that's assuming I'm so valuable to the group that they'd notice I left. Maybe they wouldn't. Its a wierd little reality--email lists.
As I'm typing this, in the background, is the tv show "My Wife and Kids" with Damon Wayan. Its the episode where their son's girlfriend is due to have her baby. She announces that she wants a homebirth and everyone meets the midwife who is characterized as a "new-age, airy-type" of spiritualist. Very denegrating to homebirth midwives. The typical jokes about needing drugs to cope with the terrible, side-splitting pain of childbirth... how homebirth is dangerous... I am so sick of seeing media protray birth as something that is beyond a woman's ability to cope. How its a crisis. A dangerous event. Lots of freaking out and screaming. Annoying.
I remember when I was pregnant with Edie and I had a consult with a perinatologist because of some potential complications (due to the RA). She said, "Well, who is going to check your blood pressure and monitor the baby's growth?" I was thinking, what the heck do you think a midwife does??? Just because they're not nurses (here in Colorado, there's only one Certified Nurse Midwife who does homebirths--I actually hired her later, but at the time of the consult, I was still working with a team of non-nurse midwives.)
There's my little one. Daddy sneezed loud enough to wake the dead... instead he woke the baby who is now screaming. Time for some milk and cuddles. Damn men.
I had a little spat with the list-owner as I was leaving but that was something that would have been resolved in a day or two.
I've been in so much pain lately that I finally realized that I cannot get pregnant right now. I can barely walk some days. My hands feel like paws. There are times (especially in the early morning) when I almost can't move my fingers. I have no strength in them. I can't lift the baby to reposition her for feeding. I have almost fallen down when I get out of bed to pee the first time after sleeping because my hips, knees and ankles are so inflamed and creaky that they won't support me until I give them a few minutes of gentle weight bearing to wake them up. Then I creak and limp like an 80 year old. I've had to take vicodin a couple of times to simply function.
I can't go up on any of my meds. Prednisone has nasty side effects (wt gain, increased blood pressure and decreased milk supply) and I'm already maxed out on the doses of other meds. I can't go on like this. If I could conceive right now (which is questionable considering my immune system has to calm down enough to let an embryo implant) I couldn't cope with added wt and lose joints. I didn't get the "pregnancy induced remission" last time, so I can't count on that happening with a new pregnancy.
So I have wait. I have to utilize the new meds that are available. Enbrel is one of the injectable meds to treat RA that is safe for breastfeeding. Apparently the molecules of medicine are too big to fit through the breast tissue into the milk so nursing moms can take it without the baby getting it. I'm gonna talk to my Dr about this and take at least six months off from trying to conceive and work on getting my body healthier. I know of a couple women with RA who are on Enbrel and they've said its like a miracle.
One really good part of this is that I will be able to focus on Edie. She deserves this time anyway. I was feeling like I needed to hurry up and get pregnant because I'm 35, it took 12 years of trying to get Edie, and I need to be done childbearing so I don't have to get on good drugs and then get off them to have another baby.
But I can't live in this body the way it is.
Six more months wouldn't be too long to wait to try to get pregnant. If I'm pregnant again by this time next year, I'd be really happy. And Edie will be older. She'll have had more of me before she had to share me. I can do this.
I still grieve a little bit, though. I still have a little fear that I won't be able to get pregnant again. I don't want to wait too long. But I have to do this first.
The email list was focused on pregnancy and birth. I need to shift my focus away from that right now, so I left. It feels wierd, though. Makes me wonder if anyone noticed. I haven't gotten any messages from anyone on the list saying goodbye... seeya... screw you...
The only thing I've seen was on another blog (Navelgazing Midwife) where a list-mate wrote that she hates it when people post that they are leaving a group. I'm self-absorbed enough to think it was about me. If so, I wonder what she would want to see. Leave without saying goodbye? But, there again, that's assuming I'm so valuable to the group that they'd notice I left. Maybe they wouldn't. Its a wierd little reality--email lists.
As I'm typing this, in the background, is the tv show "My Wife and Kids" with Damon Wayan. Its the episode where their son's girlfriend is due to have her baby. She announces that she wants a homebirth and everyone meets the midwife who is characterized as a "new-age, airy-type" of spiritualist. Very denegrating to homebirth midwives. The typical jokes about needing drugs to cope with the terrible, side-splitting pain of childbirth... how homebirth is dangerous... I am so sick of seeing media protray birth as something that is beyond a woman's ability to cope. How its a crisis. A dangerous event. Lots of freaking out and screaming. Annoying.
I remember when I was pregnant with Edie and I had a consult with a perinatologist because of some potential complications (due to the RA). She said, "Well, who is going to check your blood pressure and monitor the baby's growth?" I was thinking, what the heck do you think a midwife does??? Just because they're not nurses (here in Colorado, there's only one Certified Nurse Midwife who does homebirths--I actually hired her later, but at the time of the consult, I was still working with a team of non-nurse midwives.)
There's my little one. Daddy sneezed loud enough to wake the dead... instead he woke the baby who is now screaming. Time for some milk and cuddles. Damn men.
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